Saturday, September 29, 2007

Theme Songs of life by Keith

I've never been a music person, I don't follow the trends and I stick to the same ol' favorites that I love. But music has been more and more moving these days and I have been using it as therapy. There are so many songs that have been my theme song of life these days... Keith Urban is a favorite of mine and here are my theme songs of the last few months by him. I'll post more fabulous artists soon. I like having them on here so I can listen to them whenever I want to. Someone tell me how Keith Urban knows how to sing in such a way to touch my soul. WOW... so here's to Keith... Thanks for the tears and strength!

Stupid Boy

Tonight I want to cry

You'll think of me

Friday, September 28, 2007

People Watching

Today I went to lunch with my sister and her boyfriend. We met at the mall in the food court. What an interesting place to people watch. I wasn't eating since the thought of food these days makes the knot that's always in my stomach turn even more, so I just waited at our table while they got food. I found myself searching the faces of the people walking past, looking for some sort of sign. I saw business men with nice suits on, laughing and joking with co workers. They seemed kind of shallow, most were single I noticed but none were intriguiging enough for me to give a 2nd glance to. I noticed older couples walking thru the mall holding hands. That made me smile, then want to cry. They were holding hands probably much like they did 40 years ago and they still won't let go. I love that. Who I enjoyed watching the most were the moms. I know those moms. They are escaping the dullness of their home lives by venturing out to take their toddler to the mall. They come forth in khaki's and ill fitting t shirts with barely clean hair and no make up. They sigh all the time. Sometimes there are 2 of them together, with babies the same age and you know they just met recently at a 'mom and me' of sorts and are clinging to each other for friendship and conversation. I think I was one of these moms a whole other life ago.

In a way I miss the mall days. It is a right of passage all moms go thru.

My heart is sinking. My body feels like it's sinking all the time. I'm rarely not sad. I have become a pro at faking it. Actually, that's a lie, I'm not very good at that either. When I'm not sad, it's because I have to tell myself to enjoy what is going on. I have to convince myself over and over not to cry. My heart is all F*ed up.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I'm back... and the meaning of slander


In law, defamation is the communication of a statement that makes a false claim, expressly stated or implied to be factual, that may harm the reputation of an individual, business, product, group, government or nation.

So as you can tell this is a new blog. And being that I would hate for anyone to think of me as a nothing short of a law abiding citizen, the people with access to this blog is limited. I had to delete the old one due to accusations of slander... yep... seriously. So I lost all those little stories, all the photos, all the comments... all gone.

So an update! Me and the boys are doing okay. We're not doing SUPER but we're definately okay. Life has been full of ups and downs, good hours and bad, high emotions and low moments. I feel like I've been tested so many times and I'm just not passing. Okay I'm trying to write this without having a meltdown right here. Whew.... This summer has been a journey to say the least.

Let's see, I don't remember where the other blog left off so let me start off in the here and now instead of reliving the past. The boys and I are in our own apartment. It's so nice to have my first own apartment. Besides a dryer issue, it's really going well. The boys are sharing a room and that is suprisingly going way better than I thought it would. Bedtimes are still in full effect and potty training has continued with super success. They are both loving school. Ryan is taking a few steps at a time and is saying more and more words these days. He's still his own little person, not speeding up progress for anyone but himself. Andrew is a total boy now. There's nothing baby about him (besides the occasional tantrum) and he's so dang funny. He asks the MOST random questions, like "what does HOW mean?" . Every day he has a handful of questions like that for me and I just am in awe of his mental capacity for higher thinking. Having said that, he's still 3.5 and a pain in the butt when he wants to be! They are both adjusting well to the apartment. They see their dad every Wednesday evening for about an hour and then whenever the weekend schedule works out. We've been having to get creative on that the past few weeks because of some conflicts in schedules but it's still working out.

My divorce will be final in a little over a week. I wish I could put into words the anxiety I have over this. I'm feeling okay with the marriage being over, it's just this final act that has my nerves shot. I'm sitting here trying to think of why and I have no reason. Maybe because it's such a public forum sitting in a court room with all these other people who's marriages are over like we're all a part of the losers club or something. As hard as this life can feel sometimes, it's MY life and I want to really enjoy it now that I have a second chance at learning who I am and what I want. Trust me, I've definately been learning who I'm not and what I don't want.

I have to put a little note about how awesome my friends have been during this whole process, since ya'll are the ones who read this. I really love ya'll so much and I need to tell you just how much you've made a difference in this for me. From the moms nights in at my place since I couldn't get a sitter to the packing parties and porch nights... just everything ya'll did for me has been amazing. Even those of you far away who sent cards and emails checking in on me, ya'll are just the best friends I could ever ask for. I feel so lucky that I have so many amazing women I can count on and when times got tough ya'll really were there.

And I can't leave out the friend in my life who has been my rock thru the hardest time. I thank you for that and I miss our friendship. We knew it would be tragic, and it has been. Tragic and wonderful all at the same time. I wouldn't have wanted to go thru this with anyone but you, so again, Thank You. I wish you all the very best in your life, and though you will probably never read this, I know in my heart you know I feel that way. Muah!