I think today's going to be a bad day. Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Like those days when I look at my life and think "really??? this is MY life?? why is it so hard?" Then the guilt I feel over feeling that takes over and I lose it. I just can't be the mom I want to be, I can't be the friend I want to be, I can't be the family member I want to be, I can't even be the girlfriend I want to be... all because I can't figure out how to deal with my own life. I hate that feeling of being tired of being a mom. There I said it. Now all the moms of the world can come egg my house with their organic eggs and allergen free toilet paper. My kids are SO high maintenance. They both require so much of me that after 10 minutes of being awake I want to lock myself in my bathroom. Andrew on his own is fine. Ryan is hard all the time. He doesn't understand dicipline, he adhears to his own set of rules. He doesn't care if you're mad at him or if he did wrong. He jumps on me all day long. I'm TIRED of being jumped on. I'm tired of being beat down by a 2 year old. When I'm fun mom who just loves on them and plays all day then I get run over by them. When I am strong mom who doesn't take crap from anyone under 4 feet tall, then I feel like my own mom, unloving and unemotional. I really am having a hard time finding a medium. I think the scary part is not knowing if this is something that's forever for me. Will Ryan ever be able to live on his own, understand rules, be diciplined, play nicely? Will I be doing this forever? I know PDD-NOS doesn't have to be life debilitating, but will it be? Trust me, I do understand the incredible amount of luck I have in having 2 healthy, sweet boys. It could be so much worse. It's just that doing this on my own, with no help from anyone, is really fucking hard. My friends, they don't get it. They have husbands to "help", or even just to be there to keep an eye on a kid so they can shower in peace or run to the grocery for that one last thing. With them having husbands, they also have the cocoon of suburbia with playgroup moms and neighborhood friends. They have money. They have support. I don't have any of that. I'm holding tight to the last few friends I feel like I have. It's like you get divorced and there's this big D on your chest and they think it's contagious. I wish they'd get over it and just be good friends. Anyway, just a vent post. I'm going to lock myself in the shower now and then go to church and pray for forgiveness and strength. Mostly strength.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Ryan's Song
I hear songs that speak to me about my kids, and for as long as I can remember "My Wish" was Andrew's song. Well when Ryan was born, I adopted this song below as Ryan's song... and now more than ever, with things in our life the way they are, it works better than I could have imagined. I love you Ryan...
"I know we're different, but deep inside us, we're not that different at all..."
Friday, November 7, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Time for major updates
I was looking thru my friend's blogs and realized I keep meaning to get on here and write, and then I feel like I have nothing super fab to write about. So here's our boring little update!
Andrew.... Andrew is definately growing into a boy. He stopped tap, because they stopped offering it, and is in yoga instead. Now, no offense to anyone, but we are not "yoga" people. And 5 year olds are not "yoga" people. Not sure Andrew would even stand for any "wooosaaaa" in his life. But that's what they offer, and it's already been paid, so until Christmas, we're gettin' our Namastad on. He's altogether doing very well. Bright and smart as a whip, caring and sweet, precocious and funny. He's also a back talker, smart mouth and whiner. Ah well, you can't win them all.
Ryan.... Ryan started the fall season with an explosion. He's talking more and more, he's gaining more control over his movements and motor skills. He's working hard in that brain of his I can tell. He's awesome at school and often doesn't want to leave. He really enjoys playing outside on bikes. We started the next step in his therapies for when he turns 3. He'll be evaluated sometime between now and March (seriously) for what he qualifies for. My guess is that he'll be in 1/2 day programs thru the school system for speech, development and OT. I would love for him to catch up by kindergarden and speech is the key to that I think. He's a tough cookie, but he's also so damn sweet he'll give you a cavity.
Me.... I've been working like crazy. It's just such a wreck there right now that I can't even breathe half the time. I'm praying for Paula, our manager, to get better as right now she's really ill with her first pregnancy. I'm also hoping our new girl starts soon because I can't take the brunt of the entire office much longer. I miss my friends, it seems most of my girlfriends have such consuming lives that we miss each other often. I feel the need for a daddy trip, but I can't make one. I am nervous about Christmas. I am learning about myself if so many ways, even still. more still actually. I still get the drowining feeling, but it's better. I still get anxiety, but that's better too. I still see Annie, and that's great. All in all, it's going okay. These days if we make it thru in one piece then it's okay! I know I should write about my loooooooove life, but it's kinda just doing it's own thing these days and there's nothing to really write about.
Halloween went off without a hitch. It was awesome!!!!! So much fun! Here's pics!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
If you give an Andrew anything....
My life is proverbial satire... the Proverbial "If you give a ____ a ____" books are the theme for tonight. So let's start with "If you give an Andrew an inch"
If you give an Andrew an inch, he'll want to take a mile. He'll decide that he's going take that mile up the street to agree to go to the park with you and your friend to play. If you take him to the park, you have to get him food to eat there, since it's dinner time. So you'll get him chicken, because it's a picnic and that's what you get on picnics. If you give your Andrew chicken, he'll want sides, then he'll complain about all the options for sides until you get to french fries, which, of course, he'll agree to. He will also then scream for dessert, so loud that the lady working the drive thru will want to give him one, even against your refusal. Once you pay too much for gross, greasy, over fried food you'll finally get to the park. When you get to the park, he'll want to play first, and eat later. If you really let him do that, he'll never eat, so you don't agree to that request. This causes a little pouting, but once your Andrew see's that his friends are eating too, he sits and tries to be quiet and eats most of his dinner. Once your Andrew finishes dinner, he'll want to finally play. If you let your Andrew play, you have to push him for many minutes on the swings while trying to keep an eye on his brother. Brother acts just fine at the park, for once. So you say a little thank you for that one. Once it starts to get dark, you have to tell your Andrew it's time to go. If you tell Andrew it's time to go, he will definitely throw a fit. If he throws a fit, you have to bite your tongue and put him sternly in the car and whisper threats to him so no other parents can hear you. If that doesn't help, you may have to pinch him in the leg and shut the door really fast.... I do not suggest the latter, as it results in a long ride home. Once you get your Andrew home he will then complain that he is still hungry and you will have to make him more dinner, even though you remind him of the gross, greasy chicken and french fries he ate earlier. This reminds him he needs to potty... you must let him potty. Then he's still hungry so you need to still feed him, again. Once allllll these things are done, he will be almost ready for bed. If you get him in PJ's, you've accomplished a major task. Once you get him to bed, he will ask for some medicine for his sore throat and cough. If you give your Andrew some medicine, he may wake up with medicine head at 4 AM and crawl in your bed.... but since you can't deny it, you give it to him anyway... and if you give your Andrew some medicine, he'll want water. Once you give him water, he'll have to potty again. And if you let him go potty, he'll want you to tell him the story of the day before bed... so you'll repeat THIS WHOLE THING again, beginning with giving him an INCH..... and letting him take a MILE.
If you give an Andrew an inch, he'll want to take a mile. He'll decide that he's going take that mile up the street to agree to go to the park with you and your friend to play. If you take him to the park, you have to get him food to eat there, since it's dinner time. So you'll get him chicken, because it's a picnic and that's what you get on picnics. If you give your Andrew chicken, he'll want sides, then he'll complain about all the options for sides until you get to french fries, which, of course, he'll agree to. He will also then scream for dessert, so loud that the lady working the drive thru will want to give him one, even against your refusal. Once you pay too much for gross, greasy, over fried food you'll finally get to the park. When you get to the park, he'll want to play first, and eat later. If you really let him do that, he'll never eat, so you don't agree to that request. This causes a little pouting, but once your Andrew see's that his friends are eating too, he sits and tries to be quiet and eats most of his dinner. Once your Andrew finishes dinner, he'll want to finally play. If you let your Andrew play, you have to push him for many minutes on the swings while trying to keep an eye on his brother. Brother acts just fine at the park, for once. So you say a little thank you for that one. Once it starts to get dark, you have to tell your Andrew it's time to go. If you tell Andrew it's time to go, he will definitely throw a fit. If he throws a fit, you have to bite your tongue and put him sternly in the car and whisper threats to him so no other parents can hear you. If that doesn't help, you may have to pinch him in the leg and shut the door really fast.... I do not suggest the latter, as it results in a long ride home. Once you get your Andrew home he will then complain that he is still hungry and you will have to make him more dinner, even though you remind him of the gross, greasy chicken and french fries he ate earlier. This reminds him he needs to potty... you must let him potty. Then he's still hungry so you need to still feed him, again. Once allllll these things are done, he will be almost ready for bed. If you get him in PJ's, you've accomplished a major task. Once you get him to bed, he will ask for some medicine for his sore throat and cough. If you give your Andrew some medicine, he may wake up with medicine head at 4 AM and crawl in your bed.... but since you can't deny it, you give it to him anyway... and if you give your Andrew some medicine, he'll want water. Once you give him water, he'll have to potty again. And if you let him go potty, he'll want you to tell him the story of the day before bed... so you'll repeat THIS WHOLE THING again, beginning with giving him an INCH..... and letting him take a MILE.
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