Sometimes...

I think today's going to be a bad day. Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Like those days when I look at my life and think "really??? this is MY life?? why is it so hard?" Then the guilt I feel over feeling that takes over and I lose it. I just can't be the mom I want to be, I can't be the friend I want to be, I can't be the family member I want to be, I can't even be the girlfriend I want to be... all because I can't figure out how to deal with my own life. I hate that feeling of being tired of being a mom. There I said it. Now all the moms of the world can come egg my house with their organic eggs and allergen free toilet paper. My kids are SO high maintenance. They both require so much of me that after 10 minutes of being awake I want to lock myself in my bathroom. Andrew on his own is fine. Ryan is hard all the time. He doesn't understand dicipline, he adhears to his own set of rules. He doesn't care if you're mad at him or if he did wrong. He jumps on me all day long. I'm TIRED of being jumped on. I'm tired of being beat down by a 2 year old. When I'm fun mom who just loves on them and plays all day then I get run over by them. When I am strong mom who doesn't take crap from anyone under 4 feet tall, then I feel like my own mom, unloving and unemotional. I really am having a hard time finding a medium. I think the scary part is not knowing if this is something that's forever for me. Will Ryan ever be able to live on his own, understand rules, be diciplined, play nicely? Will I be doing this forever? I know PDD-NOS doesn't have to be life debilitating, but will it be? Trust me, I do understand the incredible amount of luck I have in having 2 healthy, sweet boys. It could be so much worse. It's just that doing this on my own, with no help from anyone, is really fucking hard. My friends, they don't get it. They have husbands to "help", or even just to be there to keep an eye on a kid so they can shower in peace or run to the grocery for that one last thing. With them having husbands, they also have the cocoon of suburbia with playgroup moms and neighborhood friends. They have money. They have support. I don't have any of that. I'm holding tight to the last few friends I feel like I have. It's like you get divorced and there's this big D on your chest and they think it's contagious. I wish they'd get over it and just be good friends. Anyway, just a vent post. I'm going to lock myself in the shower now and then go to church and pray for forgiveness and strength. Mostly strength.