People Watching

Today I went to lunch with my sister and her boyfriend. We met at the mall in the food court. What an interesting place to people watch. I wasn't eating since the thought of food these days makes the knot that's always in my stomach turn even more, so I just waited at our table while they got food. I found myself searching the faces of the people walking past, looking for some sort of sign. I saw business men with nice suits on, laughing and joking with co workers. They seemed kind of shallow, most were single I noticed but none were intriguiging enough for me to give a 2nd glance to. I noticed older couples walking thru the mall holding hands. That made me smile, then want to cry. They were holding hands probably much like they did 40 years ago and they still won't let go. I love that. Who I enjoyed watching the most were the moms. I know those moms. They are escaping the dullness of their home lives by venturing out to take their toddler to the mall. They come forth in khaki's and ill fitting t shirts with barely clean hair and no make up. They sigh all the time. Sometimes there are 2 of them together, with babies the same age and you know they just met recently at a 'mom and me' of sorts and are clinging to each other for friendship and conversation. I think I was one of these moms a whole other life ago.

In a way I miss the mall days. It is a right of passage all moms go thru.

My heart is sinking. My body feels like it's sinking all the time. I'm rarely not sad. I have become a pro at faking it. Actually, that's a lie, I'm not very good at that either. When I'm not sad, it's because I have to tell myself to enjoy what is going on. I have to convince myself over and over not to cry. My heart is all F*ed up.