My son Ryan

My son claps and cheers every time I turn on the lights, at least someone is happy I pay the bills!!

My son poops in the tub to remind me when it's time to bleach

My son acts like it's the first time seeing things sometimes, which makes me remember to be excited about seeing them too

My son throws food on the floor to remind me to vacuum

My son escapes from the house, to remind me to lock our doors

My son loves carousels, which gives me a reason to go to the mall

My son is still okay with the answer "we'll do that tomorrow", which gives me another day to dodge

My son doesn't know the difference between Christmas and Tuesday, which saves me money!

My son likes to wear a helmet, which keeps him safe. Even on the sofa.

My son laughs and smiles and jumps for joy at the mention of bath time... which reminds me to check his pull up.

My son carries a blanket, which I love for no reason at all.

In-formal-ities

I consider myself to be a texter. I like the ease of texting, the way you get a question asked or answered without all the blah blah of talking. I know it's informal and not personal at all but most of the time I don't have time to talk on the phone.

Knowing that texting is a way of life these days, I will say that I am still personal in other areas. I write notes to my kids in their lunch box, I send thank you cards, I give my honey "I love you" cards and notes, I send personal emails to teachers and parents my kids know, and my best friend and I have a tradition of sending each other funny Hallmark cards as often as we can even though we talk every single day.

My point is, there is a time to text and I time to write. We can't let all formality go out the window. So when I get a text like the one below, I kind of feel like I got jipped out of an invite!!

"You're invited 2 Xxx's party on Sunday 3-14 @5:00-6:30 place Jeronimo 1570 Holcomb Bridge Rd ste 240 Please come and party with us RSVP 2 me by WED."

That's it, no punctuation, no nothing. Is this what we're going to? Will our kids be texting invites for graduation, weddings, babyshowers? Gone will be the days of RSVP cards and stamped envelopes. Calligraphy will be an ancient art form.

Makes me sad... long live Hallmark!

My New Favorite Website

I have a new favorite website! I think I found it on Facebook thru Diana (thanks di- miss you) but I seriously am addicted to it. I check on it every few days and just laugh so hard it hurts. All by myself, at my little computer, just steady laughing. I hope you enjoy!

www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com

About Moms

I got this earlier this week, and in turn sent it to my girlfriends both near and far and just wanted to share that this is what makes girlfriends different than any other relationship you have. This is the bones, the good stuff (and lots of bad stuff) that makes us real. So I think everyone who reads this already got it, but I wanted to keep it, so here it is again....

Sometimes...

I think today's going to be a bad day. Sometimes, I just want to disappear. Like those days when I look at my life and think "really??? this is MY life?? why is it so hard?" Then the guilt I feel over feeling that takes over and I lose it. I just can't be the mom I want to be, I can't be the friend I want to be, I can't be the family member I want to be, I can't even be the girlfriend I want to be... all because I can't figure out how to deal with my own life. I hate that feeling of being tired of being a mom. There I said it. Now all the moms of the world can come egg my house with their organic eggs and allergen free toilet paper. My kids are SO high maintenance. They both require so much of me that after 10 minutes of being awake I want to lock myself in my bathroom. Andrew on his own is fine. Ryan is hard all the time. He doesn't understand dicipline, he adhears to his own set of rules. He doesn't care if you're mad at him or if he did wrong. He jumps on me all day long. I'm TIRED of being jumped on. I'm tired of being beat down by a 2 year old. When I'm fun mom who just loves on them and plays all day then I get run over by them. When I am strong mom who doesn't take crap from anyone under 4 feet tall, then I feel like my own mom, unloving and unemotional. I really am having a hard time finding a medium. I think the scary part is not knowing if this is something that's forever for me. Will Ryan ever be able to live on his own, understand rules, be diciplined, play nicely? Will I be doing this forever? I know PDD-NOS doesn't have to be life debilitating, but will it be? Trust me, I do understand the incredible amount of luck I have in having 2 healthy, sweet boys. It could be so much worse. It's just that doing this on my own, with no help from anyone, is really fucking hard. My friends, they don't get it. They have husbands to "help", or even just to be there to keep an eye on a kid so they can shower in peace or run to the grocery for that one last thing. With them having husbands, they also have the cocoon of suburbia with playgroup moms and neighborhood friends. They have money. They have support. I don't have any of that. I'm holding tight to the last few friends I feel like I have. It's like you get divorced and there's this big D on your chest and they think it's contagious. I wish they'd get over it and just be good friends. Anyway, just a vent post. I'm going to lock myself in the shower now and then go to church and pray for forgiveness and strength. Mostly strength.

Memories

Sometimes I miss being Delilah Blue...

Ryan's Song

I hear songs that speak to me about my kids, and for as long as I can remember "My Wish" was Andrew's song. Well when Ryan was born, I adopted this song below as Ryan's song... and now more than ever, with things in our life the way they are, it works better than I could have imagined. I love you Ryan...

"I know we're different, but deep inside us, we're not that different at all..."